Month 8 sum-up!

So I didn't touch much on literature this month, but I did pick up a new hobby: the keyboard!

And here is the result of a month's (well, really a half a month) worth of practice. If you listen closely, you can almost hear me playing!

Letting Go of Perfection

Hello, my name is Bethany and I will never be perfect.

I prefer the term "unique".

This has been a hard, yet unbelievably freeing and important lesson I'm getting out of this year. I'm realizing more and more that part of growth is letting go of obtaining that perfect image of yourself and your life. If we continue to live our lives in an endless and impossible cycle of trying to reach perfection, how are we ever going to be happy? So I've been really working on letting go of what I thought I should be at this point in my life, the weight I believed I needed to reach, the job I needed to secure, even the stuff and security that I thought I needed.
For so long, I've beaten myself up for not having met the man of my dreams, having perfect children and the dream job. But the more I focus on what I don't have, the more I miss out on what I do.  Over the last few months, I've allowed myself, not give up the dream of being a mother and a wife, but to allow myself to love that version of myself if, indeed, that is who I turn out to be. The same goes for my career. I set this goal for myself to become huge in film and have been passionate about it for so long. But now in pursuing it, I've finally stopped to ask myself, "is the pursuing of it making me happy?" And I won't say that it doesn't, but I can't say, resoundingly, that it does. So I'm allowing myself to imagine other futures.
This is all quite ironic considering I began this whole year's journey trying to reach a perfected version of myself, and now I'm giving that up entirely. Now I realize that I must find happiness and peace through today and what's in front of me, and not through what I may or may not achieve tomorrow.

Oh, and one last thing. Life should not be take so seriously. To illustrate this point, I give you:

A horrible stock photo. Of myself. Yes, I did a stock photography shoot at one sad moment of my life. Luckily they are crap and will most likely never end up on the internet anywhere. Wait! Doh!

Thoughts on Loss and Healing

As you most likely know by now, the catalyst for the years of depression and ultimate decision to change the way I lived my life was the loss of my mother, Carole in 2010.


With the tragic news of the shooting in Connecticut today, dealing with the loss of loved ones is very present. I, in no way, mean to compare the sudden and tragic loss for those families to my own. But my heart is heavy today, and I don't think it is an accurate portrayal of life to write exclusively about the good days. 



When talking about healing, I will never say that the pain goes away completely. Some days it feels just as raw as it did soon after she was gone. In the mail today, I received from my Aunt a cloth that my mother had embroidered with poinsettias and the words "Merry Christmas". This simple piece of cloth brought me to tears. To hold something in my hand that she had so obviously labored over and been proud of, something I didn't even knew existed until today, made me feel close to her again for the first time in a long time. Touching the stitching was to almost feel her hands as they worked their labor of love. She loved Christmas, and that love was passed on to me. The holiday makes me think of her and smile at the memory of the joy she got from the twinkling Christmas lights and the carolers (to which she related her moniker). But I also find it difficult to continue celebrating the holiday the way our family used to. Without her as part of it, it is sometimes hard for me to remember the point of celebrating it; any holiday, really. But that's not the way she would want it. Not only because of her unwavering faith, but because she would not want to be the cause of our loss of joy.

In the mail today, I also received a keyboard that I ordered last week. One day I was listening to a classical piano piece I had once taught myself to play and it suddenly lit a fire inside me to play again. And I said, "why not?" So I found the cheapest decent one I could find on Amazon and ordered it the next day. My mom always wished she'd learned to play the piano as well as her mother and she encouraged me to take lessons as a child. I obliged her for a few years, but soon gave it up, frustrated that I was not an overnight virtuoso. I like to think that she would be overjoyed to see me playing again.

So this season, I'm working on bringing back the traditions that my mother loved so dearly to keep her memory close and to allow the joy back into the holiday. And I'm saying "why not" to challenges that I want to conquer, because who says I can't teach myself to play the piano in my 30's?

I hope all of you who have been touched by loss and tragedy will find peace this holiday season.

Inspirational Story

Caught this story on ABC News and wanted to share. Breanna is a 9 year old who went from 186 lbs to 120 lbs, with the help of her parents, through daily exercise and a change of diet. Very inspiring!

Surprise hobbies! Writing and photoshoots.

Lots going on this week! But the most exciting is that I wrote an article for Optimistic Lifestyle, a life improvement blog, and it got posted today!

I'm so moved and grateful for the positive response my writing has been receiving lately. My hope has always been that what I write will inspire others to find solutions within themselves to the problems nagging at them and to show that change is possible for anyone, in any time of their life, as long as they are ready to accept it. So thank you for continuously inspiring me through encouragement!

I've been a busy little getting-rid-of-stuff bee. Until yesterday, my living room floor had been piled with the stuff to get rid of, pulled out of closets, drawers, and cupboards.

I give you: Exhibit A

 Here is a photo album of everything I am parting with, in case you're interested in perusing a bunch of my castaways.  I actually reached 102!!

 My friend, Handy, did some modelling for the countdown.

If you see something you like, my readers will get 1st priority over Ebay-ers, so let me know (but quickly)! However, I had to make room to walk through my apartment, so everything marked Thrift Shop is already at my local Goodwill.

So far, I've really enjoyed the cleansing quality of getting rid of a bunch of stuff. It doesn't seem to have made much difference yet in terms of space in my apartment, but it is still cathartic. I want to see if I can do it once a month, until I absolutely can't give more up.

Extracurricular progress!

I wasn't lying yesterday. I got home and went straight to work. This is how my evening went:

"Ba-by Charter. Who needs ya?"

"Uh oh, no more Pandora on my Blu-ray player!"

"That's OK. I have Christmas CDs!"

"This is a good place for my Reverse 100 Things items. Around 45 so far!"

Hours of cooking = Curry, Korma, Tofu Scramble, Pumpkin Soup...enough to feed me for a week!

Tonight is logging and sorting the stuff I'm getting rid of and putting what I can up for sale. Then wrapping Christmas presents and cleaning the apartment! I'm loving all this free time!

"Extra-Curricular" Challenges

All this change in my life makes me eager for more! My extra-curricular challenges for this month are going to be:


1. Unplugging my wireless router to see how terrible life will be if I get internet turned off entirely. I'm tired of my hands being tied by a company like Charter.






2. Attempt what is sometimes called the 'Reverse 100 Thing Challenge'. Basically, I will be challenged to get rid of 100 Things. I think this will be a good start to see how prepared I am for the actual 100 Things Challenge. If it's terribly easy, I'll probably not stop at 100.


Why do these challenges appeal to me, you may be asking?
I've had a lot of realizations about life recently.  I've lived with all these ideas of what I thought life should be and what it owed me.  And I sat around wondering when my movie plot romance, large happy family, and dream job were going to come my way.  Here I am in L.A. pursuing my dream of working in film, but only recently have I stopped to ask myself if it's actually making me happy. And I'm finding the answer to be, pretty much, "no".

I've also lived my entire life trying to make my life an example to the children I hope to have one day. I wanted to be someone who would make them proud by the way I lived my life and the career I had. Funny, isn't it? Living your life for people who may never even exist? But the more I think about it, the more I realize that trying to impress my unborn future hypothetical children by being a movie star is silly and empty.

Growing up in a religious environment, I always heard it said that you should give your life over to God and He will lead you where you are supposed to go.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.

"The Buddha gave us an example of contentment and tolerance, through serving others unselfishly." -Dalai Lama

Even if you aren't religious, I think there is something to the idea of living to make yourself happy and never achieving it versus living to to help others and finding joy on accident. Since I was young, I've always felt pulled towards mission and international relief work. And with all this new discussion and brainstorming on living abroad I've had lately, I started seriously looking into it. And I realized that even if it doesn't get me abroad, or to the countries I would most like to inhabit, I truly do feel called to service. 



 So I signed up to be a volunteer at my local Red Cross branch the other day! And I've been researching other companies that I may be able to work through. It made me think of another life challenge that would be good to strive for. "30 years selfish, 30 years selfless." I've lived 30 years thinking mostly of myself and wouldn't it be an amazing thing if I could find the strength to live the next 30 years for others?

December is Literature and Hobbies!

I've decided to change the schedule up a bit. I originally had December as Teeth and Speech month, but I want to put that off because I plan to get invisalign for achieving most of what I want and I can't afford the payments quite yet. And because last month was finance, I decided to try a month without Netflix and had it turned off, so this month is the perfect time for taking up more reading and hobbies.
I moved Career to after the holidays because I feel like my chances of companies hiring will be better. I removed relationships and combined Community with World and Sustainability because I've already done the online dating thing and beyond reading self-help books, I can't really think of what else I could do for this. Plus, now that I'm not under the heavy cloud of depression, I feel that my relationships have already started down the road to a healthy place. I've reconnected with a great friend from film school and we talk on an almost daily basis. I've balanced out my schedule so I have more time to spend with different people now. And I'm doing my best to understand my family so that we don't butt heads as much.
So with that, I plunge into Literature and Hobbies! Here is a list of books I'd love to read this month:
The Bell Jar
The Bourne Identity
Mere Christianity
World War Z
(More to come, and I'd love suggestions!)

And the Hobbies I'd like to start/work on:
Sewing (curtains, maybe some other projects)
Art projects (Book sculptures, magazine collages/mixed media art)
Writing
Cooking
(And more to come. Again, I'd love suggestions!)

November Summary

Well, the months keep zipping past and I'm doing my best to keep up. With multiple visitors and a big holiday trip, I didn't have quite as much time this month to focus on both Finance and Career, so November ending up being strictly Finance focused.
For the most part, my week without purchasing food was a success. The dishes I made lasted up until the day I left for Thanksgiving vacation (about 5 days), but then all bets were off as I traveled to San Fran.

I did an uber detailed budget spreadsheet with every fact of my finances that I could possible think of, including projected spending with a minimum, budgeted, and maximum possible budget category. And with that information, I decided to try a more extensive envelope system for budgeting my months food, entertainment, and shopping purchases. I took out $720 and am going to do my best to make it stretch through the entire month for any expenses over my usual bills. I can tell it's going to be difficult as I've already blasted through a good chunk of my food money, but with the major purchases out of the way, which will last for quite a while, my grocery bills should be much lower for the rest of the month.

The Envelope System is something I was introduced to when my dad sent me the Dave Ramsey financing kit. It has pockets for keeping budgeted cash with a place to keep track of what you've spent and how much you have left. And like Ramsey says, psychologically, it hurts more to spend cash than to swipe a piece of plastic.

Weekly Goal: Buy No Food

In an effort to train myself to be more resourceful with the food I already have in my house and to stretch my money, this week I am taking on the challenge of spending no money on food. I should explain that I get paid weekly and that I bought a few groceries before this pay week started as well as ordered a $20 bag of local produce through a program at my work. I usually end up going to the grocery store every day and spend an average of $150 a week on groceries since I started my new diet. Often, I end up throwing out a lot of produce that I don't end up using before it goes bad. So it's time to get creative and discover ways to use everything I have and make it last through the week.
The produce I received this week includes:

Eggplant
Kale
Carrots
Onion
Rosemary and Thyme
Peppers
Green Beans
Tomatoes
Zucchini
Corn on the Cob




Last night I used most the tomatoes to make a pasta sauce. I froze the beans because I have no idea how I will use them yet. I may use the peppers with quinoa and some of the other veggies to make stuffed peppers and freeze the extras.




I also want to make a stew or soup that I can also freeze. I have beans, so vegan chili is always in the cards. The trick will be to not get sick of something.

I'm not sure how long I can stretch it, but it will be an interesting test. It's going to take some planning and prep. The hard part will be not buying any chocolate, something I usually end up getting almost every day. Luckily I do have lots of frozen bananas and can make a delicious banana ice cream (frozen bananas, almond milk, agave nectar in a food processor. So easy!).

 Or better yet, peanut butter banana ice cream! Yes please!!

Month 7 Career/Finance

I decided to switch this month to Career and Finance for a few reasons. For one, my friend from film school came to visit. She and I have always been 'doers' together. When we are around each other, we don't ask "should we", we just try new things and find out what happens. And that's more in line with the way I've always wanted to live. She's helped me realize that even though I'm stuck in a rut now, I don't have to stay there just because it's comfortable. I can go out and find my happiness and be OK even if I don't have the cool sounding Disney job. I can go anywhere I want, I could even live abroad if I worked hard enough to find the means. Secondly, because I'm thinking of drifting away from these 'roots', I need to tighten up the way I spend and cut the fat. My friend also helped me realize how loose I've been with money. She has been on a tight budget for years and opened my eyes to that perspective. My eating out all the time is so wasteful when I have all this produce in my fridge and it just takes some creative thinking to make something delicious out of it.
I've been playing with the idea of cutting out netflix and some other things. I even court the idea of trying the 100 possessions challenge. That's a huge change, but something I'd like to consider. I'm tired of feeling tied down in a place I don't really enjoy. I'm starting to believe that life's joy won't come from getting the perfect career but enjoy the experiences along the way to where ever I end up and connecting with the people I meet.  If I live for an unattainable goal and am always disappointed in not achieving it, I'll never be at peace.
I have a lot of thinking to do when it comes to the production company. In a way, it feels like just another thing tying me here. Though owning my own production company sounds like a dream come true, the way we are heading toward it now just seems so blind and premature.
To begin with, I'm shopping around for other phone service providers and I think I'll go ahead and turn off my Netflix for the month as a trial period. I will also work on a strict weekly budget that I must stick to. And I'll begin exploring all of my life/career options and expanding my view of where that could lead me.

Month 6 wrap-up

I had high hopes of replacing my entire wardrobe with new items, but clothes are expensive! I did sort through my closet and put aside all the shirts that have stains and holes. However, that left me very few to actually wear to work. I guess replacing the wardrobe is going to have to be doled out over several months. I did by a few nice pieces at H&M though. Black pin stripe pants, a gray business jacket, and two dresses.

Horrible picture, but you get the idea.

I used this as part of my Breakfast at Tiffany's Halloween costume.

It's a start.

Getting back on the horse

I'm here to make a confession. I've been stumbling with my eating and exercise a lot this month. Not that I've broken my Vegan or Gluten Free ways, but I've found the junk food that still fits that criteria and I've eaten it. I've eaten A LOT of it. Mainly bags and bags of these:

And several of these:

The entire thing in one sitting.

So, it's time to rededicate myself. I'm up about 5 pounds or so, and as you know, this is fashion month.  So I've decided I can find what I'm going to buy but I can't actually make any purchases until I've lost 10lbs. That'll put me back around my goal weight at about 155 lbs.

I also need to get stricter with myself when it comes to exercise. I have a 5k Zombie Run coming up and I still haven't even gotten up to running 3 miles yet. It's going to be painful. I have a tendency to spoil myself a lot. I've been planning on setting a workout schedule and forcing myself to get up to work out in the mornings so I'll have evenings to work on film stuff and socialize. But so far I've let myself stay up late and sleep in every morning.

So, I'm going to work on giving up the 'junk food' that I've let slip into my routine, including all pre-made microwavable dinners and pre-packaged snacks. I'm also going to work on my exercise routine. They say it takes 90 days to develop a habit, so it's going to be a tough 3 months of not spoiling myself.

I think revisiting the documentaries that helped me get motivated in the first place will be a good place to start; Food Matters, Fat Sick and Nearly Dead.

Ok, so that is my pledge. 10lbs and then I can purchase the wardrobe. Meanwhile, I will keep you updated on my progress and my wardrobe wishlist. 

Fashion!

Fashion month is finally here!! I'll be honest, this is probably my most anticipated month and I've already spent plenty of time prepping for it. All last month I was going to H&Ms website and using their online app to 'try out' different outfits and save looks that I liked. I'm a little bummed that I haven't been able to hit my goal weight by now but I seem to be where my body wants to be so it's probably safe to buy clothes for this size.
Here's my plan:
Start by getting rid of all the clothes in my closet that have holes, stains, etc.
Research types of deodorant that won't stain your clothes.
Take that bag of dry cleaning that's been sitting in my closet for over a year to the freakin dry cleaner.
Create an 'essentials' list of what I will need to fill my wardrobe.
Take a day to go to several stores and try things on, probably take pictures.
Then go back and make purchases that coincide with my 'essentials' list.
Shop smart so that I don't end up with 5 pairs of shoes that I'll never wear and clothes that fall apart after two washes.

I was blessed with extra work last month, so I put aside the money just for this!

Health Month Summary

Well, September is over and that means the end of Health Month. I had an appointment with my new physician last week and a follow-up today. My mother would have been so proud. My blood test results show that I have great cholesterol levels and my thyroid, kidneys and liver are healthy. I did discover that I have anemia. So it's off to buy some iron supplements. I also was told that I have a slightly elevated triglyceride level, which is fatty cells floating around in my blood. So I guess that means I need to cut back on the chocolate bars and olive oil.

My appointment today was a long-needed 'women's health' check-up. As a newbie to this 'taking care of myself' business, I equate it to not being any worse than an awkward date.  :D  When my doctor told me not to be nervous when she brought in the devices, I laughed and said, "actually, I was still thinking about my triglyceride levels."
 Also this month, I've continued taking dance classes which I think, in the long run, will help my core strength not to mention just help me loosen up a bit when it comes to taking my physical self too seriously.

I am SO ready for Fashion month!!

Yay health!

So here's what health month has had in store for me so far.

1) I started using my new cooking tools to make raw vegan gluten-free meals. Here's the first one I tried.

Sweet Potato and Zucchini Mac 'n Cheese

Once I figured out how to use the Spirooli, it was magical. And though I was skeptical about liking the taste of raw sweet potato and zucchini as noodles, it was actually very good. And I didn't even mind it being cold. However, I made enough 'Parmesan cheese' to last me two lifetimes. I'm going to have to cut the size of the recipes in half.

I'm going to try to work my way through the entire 400 recipes from the book! Big challenge, but I'm ready!

2) I've started incorporating 'brain power' supplements into my morning smoothies. I use a spoonful of lecithin granules and a tsp of coconut oil to give my brain a little boost.

So far, lack of sleep has diminished any advantage I may be gaining from it, but hopefully I can rectify that.

3) I started a dance class last night! I took Beginning Modern. It started out with a lot of yoga and then moved into some simple combinations. Afterward I signed up for several more. My mom would be so proud :)